Help! I’m Overly-Enabled! – or how my active mind precipitates anxiety attacks

Panic attack (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hmmm…  that’s weird. I have a tingly sensation in my fingertips…  I’ve just been sitting here. I haven’t done anything strenuous. I don’t think that should happen. Okay, suddenly it’s not so easy to breathe. I have to try to breathe. This can’t be normal… Is my heart beating fast? Woah! What is this? Why am I so freezing? Look! There’s no color in my hands… my chest feels heavy. Something’s wrong. I don’t understand this. Am I having a heart attack at age 29? Holy shit I’m having a heart attack at age 29!!! I can’t slow down my heart!! Why is my face tingling now!? Should I say something? Am I going crazy? What’s going on here? Trouble breathing… Can’t see…   my hands… they’re stuck…  I can’t control my hands…  I CAN’T CONTROL MY HANDS! THEY’RE STUCK!

Oh my god… breathe… please breathe…  just breathe… can’t catch my breath…  it’s overwhelming…   TINGLING EVERWHERE TINGLING EVERYWHERE CHEST TIGHT CAN’T BREATHE CAN’T TALK CHEST TIGHT CHEST TIGHT….

… …   is this death? I suppose this is what it would be like…  I can’t believe I only made it 29 years on this Earth. All I can think about is all the poor decisions I’ve made. I don’t eat healthy enough. I don’t exercise enough. I never take my vitamins consistently. Okay, that’s generous…  I never take my vitamins. I’ve done this to myself.

I’ve done this to myself….

Dealing with Writer’s Block

Image via Wikipedia

Over the past couple of weeks my output has dramatically dropped here on the blog. Some of the feelings I’ve encountered during this drought are kind of interesting to me. While writing here over the last couple of months I’ve slowly begun to create a sense of dependency. When I no longer could maintain the level of production that I could early on, my emotions stirred some unpleasant thoughts that are completely contrary to the whole point of idaremyself.

Our experiences shape our generalizations

Image via Wikipedia

Yesterday I was having a conversation regarding some of the failings/loopholes in the systems the government has in place to assist those less fortunate. Several people were expressing their feelings about our universal health care bill and how it will inevitably get abused and waste taxpayer’s dollars. I was extremely disheartened by this argument and decided to courageously and  perhaps a little foolishly enter the lion’s den with my own opinion.

Reminders of our own mortality

Yesterday I learned about the recent death of game designer Brian Wood. You can read an article detailing the tragic accident in which three lives were extinguished here.  A quick summary of the events is that Brian and his wife (six months pregnant)  were struck by a Chevy Blazer driven by a 21 year old girl who was under the influence of drugs. Right before the accident, Brian swerved the car in order to receive as much of the impact as possible on the driver’s side and to reduce the risk of death or injury to his wife and unborn child. I’m sure it took amazing courage to consciously make that decision. It paid off. The mother and the child sustained some injuries but are both alive.

Don’t dwell on tomorrow’s problems; Fix today’s first

Image via Wikipedia

At work I encountered a situation where I was concerned about something coming up on the horizon. I’m trying my best to detect challenges early so the team is aware and a contingency plan can be created. I didn’t know enough information about the issue so I began asking questions and getting people involved in the discussion. I think it’s positive that I made an attempt to look ahead and anticipate potential problems. However, if it draws attention away from the immediate task at hand, then it can be detrimental to development.

Enjoy where you live; Be grateful of your own backyard

I have been extremely fortunate in that I have been afforded numerous opportunities to travel. I’ve seen Stonehenge, and I’ve stood at the Piccadilly Circus (which is not a circus! I was disappointed the first time). I’ve seen the breathtaking vistas very high in the Andes mountains while visiting Cuzco and Machu Picchu. I’ve played on the beaches on Costa del Sol in the south of Spain. I’ve crossed through what I think must be the busiest intersection in the world outside the JR Shibuya station in Tokyo. The experiences go on and on. If I had to take my exit right now…  how could I possibly complain?

I don’t want to bleed to death from the scratching

Cover of Getting Unstuck

I’ve been listening to an audiobook by Pema Chodron entitled Getting Unstuck: Breaking Habitual Patterns and Encountering Naked Reality. Pema begins by discussing the difficulty we all have in learning to “stay” and how we all seem to drift off. Even after many years of meditation she has learned just what an incredibly difficult thing it is to simply stay. The reason for this is something she calls the itch.